Having kids changes your life. You find yourself thinking and saying phrases you never thought a person would have the need to utter. Ridiculous phrases, comments and scoldings fall from your mouth before your brain processes what on earth you are saying.  Words that in any other context would just be plain wrong and obscene!

Thank the Lord no-one is recording the daily life of me and my kids. I keep meaning to do a jar of all the funny things that I/ the kids say. Would be great to crack out when they are bigger!

Here are a few choice phrases I have found myself shouting across the room, only to be glad there are no witnesses to the madness.

Don’t put the straw up your sisters bum!

In context, the kids were in the bath and they had straws so they could blow bubbles – in my mind if they get sick of it in the bath then they won’t want to do it in a glass in a fancy restaurant – not that we get to go to fancy restaurants! Now my 1-year-old decided that when her sister bent over there was a handy holder for her straw. Resulting me in me leaping across the bathroom screaming this before my eldest endured a therapy inducing experience.   

Put the poo back in the toilet!

That delightful moment when you turn around and your toddler has decided that it is HER poo, and she doesn’t want the toilet to “eat it”.  Just delightful.

Stand back, she hasn’t got a nappy on!

Screamed like a banshee when she was regrettably suffering from a bad stomach bug. This is the one time I actually ran away and thinking that the carpet was 3 months old, it had had a nice life and would be a reasonable sacrifice. In hindsight, the stain bothers me more, but funds are such it is now classed as a “life mark” in my household!

Spit that worm out

This one my neighbours probably got sick of me saying last summer. The garden was a pile of mud- literally, while we saved to go get it turfed. My toddler got the taste for worms. Not just one. Nooooooooo, that wouldn’t be so bad. But EVERY TIME we went out in the garden. I swear she has a 7th sense built in her to seek them out. I do feed her. Honest.

We don’t eat toilet duck

When my first learned to toddle she discovered the flush on the toilet. One of her favourite games was to toddle in, flush the loo and run out giggling. Cute. Or so I thought until I sat there waiting for her to run out one day. All was quiet. (Those with toddler know that this is NEVER a good thing.) Sure enough, the toilet flushed and she ran out, coming to give me a big kiss. Adorable. Until I smelt her breath. My heart stopped. Resulting in an embarrassing call to 111 who then asked me what favour it was!! (apparently, it makes a difference- who knew!!)  Luckily all was well however I NEVER have the stuff in the house now- she is lucky to be alive.

I hope the potty was clean before you put it on your head

WHY do kids find something as boring as a potty So. Damn. Interesting. You have to leave the potty where they can get to it easily when instincts in my want it sat constantly in a bucket of bleach. Would all be well with the supervision of one child. It is when you have an older child who finds it amusing to randomly use the potty instead of the toilet and not tell you. Potty training is indeed, a shitty time!

Have you found yourself yelling crazy things at the kids? Pleeease tell me I am not the only one!!